||[02 Aug 2006|11:08pm]
WARNING: this entry is going to be full of venting and realizations i'm having due to today's events, so if you don't care, don't bother reading and then tell me to "stop bitching"
today was Warped Tour. As most of you know, today was probably the hottest day in my 21 years of existence that i can remember. Rachel and I decided since we bought non refundable tickets that we would go anyway and see if we could deal with it. After being stuck in traffic for about 2 hours, we got there around 12:30, and we looked at the band list. The main bands i wanted to see were playing much later in the day, so we knew it would be a long day of heat. We went to see a band Rachel likes called the Fully Down at around 1:00, and towards the end of their set, Rachel wasn't feeling well at all and we tried to find somewhere for her to get shade and sit down but it was no use, and after asking various idiots who gave us wrong directions all over the place, someone finally pointed us in the direction of the Medical area.
We were hoping she would just be able to lay down and be ok, but as it turned out, the heat was too much and she was suffering from heat exhaustion. At this point, i was scared to death. I've never seen anything like today. As naive and dumb as it sounds, i never knew that heat could be such a serious thing for some people, and i thought maybe you just get dizzy and need to sit down. If i'd known there was any life threatening issue with it, i would have never suggested going.
Anyway, they decided she should go to the hospital so we were one of the many people throughout the day leaving Warped Tour in an ambulance. As we were on our way, we were informed that we were going to a hospital in Gardner...why you might ask? because the Leominster hospital was already full of people from Warped Tour. Apparently the state of MA begged them to cancel and offer refunds, but they refused and said they were "only expecting 5 people tops that may need an ambulance"...in the ambulance i was having trouble breathing because i was so panicked about the situation. I've never dealt with seing someone i care about wearing an oxygen mask, or going to the hospital in an ambulance. I didnt care about missing the show, i just wanted her to be ok, and i felt like there was nothing i could do. All i wanted was to make her better and i couldnt. It was then that it really hit me that she truly is the most important thing in my life. More important than music, more important than me. It was instinct, and in a way i'm glad we went through it together, because it proved to myself without a shadow of a doubt that she comes first in my life, and i always wanted to be able to truly devote myself to someone that much, and now i know i'm not the selfish jerk i always thought i was.
After being in the waiting room for what seemed like forever, i was able to go up and see her. As much as she was saying how "awful" she looked, she looked more beautiful to me than ever, because she was ok, and all that worrying was over. she was going to be fine, and that's all that mattered. I really dont feel like going into detail about how much the staff sucked at that hospital, and how little sympathy all but one of them had, but we ended up having to split a cab back to Fitchburg Airport with another couple who was there for the same reason. When we got back, the weather had subsided enough where we could have probably seen the last 3 hours of the show, but there was no re-entry, and Rachel was still a bit shaken up anyhow, so it's just as well that we couldnt go back in. I know she would have wanted to for me though, just because she is that sweet.
She felt bad for me spending the money and us leaving so quickly, but i felt horrible. I felt like it was all my fault and that she wouldnt have gone if it werent for my excitement. But i know that it's no one's fault, and things just happen and i'm past the fact that the money's gone and we missed the show. I'm just glad she's alright and i hope she qualifies for the free care the nurse gave us the pamphlet on, so she doesnt have to pay for this bill, or at least not the entire bill.
What i cant accept though, is that this just happened for no reason. I can't accept the idea of a world that would want us to spend $70 on tickets, have it be 9823429832 degrees, and have Rachel pass out from the heat and go to the hospital, causing her to get another bill to deal with, and causing us to miss the entire show. I know it sounds silly to some of you, but i really feel like something good has to come of this. Something will have to work out to make up for today. All my life, i've been through shit, but i've always scraped by and gotten through it, and everytime i lose at one thing, i gain something to make up for it. I always break even in life, and i know i shouldnt live thinking that everything's going to work itself out, but i really feel like it is. I have to tell myself that or else i'd be the most depressed person in the world. Like I said, the idea of a world where bad things happen for no reason is too much for me to cope with. This is my one placebo. Most people bullshit themselves with religion, but i have this...the undying faith that everything happens for a reason, and theres always a silver lining. I need that to function in this world.
A huge issue i've been having for a while has reared its ugly head once again however, and that is the fear that my life is never going to begin. Every tiny piece of money i spend, every tiny piece of money Rachel spends, i feel pushes us further away from starting our lives. I've been here for 21 years and i'm burned out on life, and i feel like i won't be ok until i make life for myself and move out of my dad's. It's such a small thing that haunts me constantly. I just feel like as long as i'm living at home, i'm still stuck at that same level. I feel like i've been 18, fresh out of high school, working retail and nowhere near where i need to be to move out for the past 3 years, and i'm tired of building up my money, and having stuff "come up" and it's like 1 step forward, then 2 steps back, all the time. Rachel's doing well at her job, and is going to be making more money soon, so i know things will work out for her eventually...i just feel so awful when i see her trying to save money, and things keep going wrong with her car every time she starts to build up a little...and even with my help, theres nothing that can be done because things keep "coming up"....i'm tired of that expression. things coming up. It's really killing my hope for ever having a future. I'm scared of being the old guy in the band, or the 25+ year old living at home still. I know i have time, but it's still scary. I have to get over this whole fear i have about age. I need to tell myself that i can be over 25 and still have a shot of being in a band. It just feels like the industry is all about youth, and that if i dont start now, i'll never get anywhere cause the fans are all kids, and they want someone to relate to. and i know, System of a Down, Coheed, Bad Religion still plugging along after 26 years, but FUCK! in my head i cant get over all the shit bands who are younger than me and already have records out. It bothers me. I'm jealous, because i feel like i have so much potential that's going to waste because my daddy doesnt buy me tons of expensive equipment, and support me while i quit my job and focus on music. And if these bands do support themselves, how do they afford car insurance and gas and bills and rent and are still able to play shows whenever they want? I've never heard of a good paying job that will just let you be like "hey i'll be gone on tour for a month, bye"...the only way to do that is retail, and speaking from my position, retail does not pay for car/gas/bills/rent
So in a gigantic nutshell, that was my warped tour experience and my current feelings on things as of late. I know i'm just a whiny bitch, but thank you to anyone who cares enough to read this thing still. I dont update much, and i really only use this for venting now, so please everyone do me a favor and take me off your friends list and dont read my journal if you're going to make negative comments and/or just plain don't care ...i only want true friends reading this, and i really dont have the strength to take insults in my life anymore so please have a heart and don't be a dick. just try to be understanding and if you dont have something nice to say, i really dont wanna hear it.
for those few who do read, and will comment and help me feel a little better, thank you again.